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Saturday, May 31, 2008

Do not Taser the Cat !!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
Or, the hunt for Red Modulated Testicles

Last weekend I saw something at L.L. Bean's that sparked my interest. Coming up is our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser, batteries not included.

Effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? 'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries; I pushed the button. Nothing!

Hmmmmmm, I read, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie the arc weld on the microwave, refrigerator, and washer; some cooking utensils, and the device she keeps in the bedside drawer.

Home alone with a new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

PHOTO: Cat Armor----}

I sit in my recliner, and cogitate, as Gracie our cat looks on with curiosity, "What killed the cat, eh Gracie?" I say; trusting little soul. The directions make me think, "I really need to try this shocker on flesh & blood moving targets."

I admit I thought about zapping Gracie but got a hold of myself; "Don't Taser the Cat !!" She is such a sweet cat.

But, still, I need to know it works as advertised if I am giving this toy-like thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger; "Am I wrong?"

I'm wearing only my grippies and wifebeater, my reading glasses perched delicately on bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions say: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm inspecting the 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference device; "Pretty cute really, just two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries," thinking to myself, "no possible way it can do that!"
Buyer's remorse was beginning to creep over me: "Why do I buy such crazy stuff? For love of Mike, this is our 15th Wedding Anniversary!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... with only Gracie as my witness, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if saying, "Don't do it knucklehead!"

My reasoning, "Just a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad."

"What the heck;" I decided to give myself the one-second treatment. With prongs to my bare thigh, I pushed the button, and . . . "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, Joseph, Shepherds and all the pierced Saints... and the sheep, WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION!"

Chuck Liddell must have run in from a side door, picked me and the recliner up, and body slammed us against the wall, holding me down by my neck for a ground and pound, over and over and over again... until I soil myself! Oh no!

I lived, but vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, grippies all warm and yellow wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm numb and tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

SON-OF-A-... That hurt!!! A minute or so passes, though time was warped, I found some of my half-wits, splintered as they were. What little manhood I had left helped me sit up and survey my once cozy den. Bent reading glasses on the mantel of the fireplace, "How did they get up there???"

Leg and arm muscles, right thigh and both nipples continued to dance and twitch. "Had I been to the dentist?" still disoriented, I thought my face was shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 42 lbs.

"Have you seen my testicles, Gracie? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return -- say a dish of liver?"

The cat stood over me, "Meow." The sounds echoing in my wasted cranium cavity, like never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Wow, humans don't land on their feet when tossed in the air!"

Notice: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! Let someone else do the test on you.

Truthfully, you cannot let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative? No more bursts for me.

She loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it, and keeps it in the bedside drawer on weekends!

Epilogue: 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

Friday, May 30, 2008

UPDATED: Religious Discernment of Cooks

PHOTO: Junk in the Trunk at Chappaquiddick

PHOTO: Rachel Ray---}

It's obvious that ms. Ray understands the far eastern concept of separating the illusion of the physical world from the deeper concepts of spiritual enlightenment. The Buddha,, er Great Bootyha, never spoke a bad word against Junk-in-the-trunk.

PHOTO: Lady, cover your face !!

In our continuing mission to present most up-to-date, factual, secondary research, MooPig Research Department gives us this late breaking update:
Update: Phrase applies to all three Religious Cook types -- thanks to Urban Dictionary !!
1. Junk in da trunk
53 up, 7 down
A female who has a nice or unusually large ass.
Damn son yo shawty over dere got sum junk in da trunk!
by Big Willie Nov 28, 2003

2. junk in da trunk
17 up, 10 down
Big booty usually a big one that is very "velupcuious"(not spelled right).ba dunka dunk
That way you shake that "junk in da trunk" it turns me out.
junk booty but ass ba dunka dunk by MonkeyPimp Apr 17, 2006

3. junk in da trunk
13 up, 17 down
referring to the amount of "material" in one's ass
Yo, da hoe gots a lotta junk in da trunk
by angel4325 Sep 4, 2004

4. junk in da trunk
7 up, 25 down
that ass is packed with a multitude of flesh. a gaping butthole
man she got some junk in da trunk
by brad Oct 6, 2004

5. junk in'a de trunk
13 up, 3 down
of Jamacian derivation: a large posterior or behind on a female
Daaaaaaamn, that fem got nuff junk in'a de trunk!
by whiskymack Jan 31, 2004

6. junk in his trunk [this one is for Compostholestoy]
2 up, 2 down
lots of cushion on the rump
That boys butt wouldn't fall asleep in those quaint little wood chairs if he had more junk in his trunk.
ass booty onion butt emj by BPW Jun 26, 2007
PHOTO: Bountiful architecturally cantilevered SS extended trunk}
7. Junk in the Top Bunk
20 up, 4 down
Noun: in mammals, the property of having conspicuously large or exaggerated mammary glands and tissue.
If I had just a little more junk in the top bunk, I could totally run this town.
stacked breasts flat tits tout le monde sur le balcon by Dan Craig Feb 18, 2006

"junk in the trunk "
-- a girl that has a nice big round ass
all of you fat white chicks taking pictures of yourself dont have junk in the trunk, youve just got a big fat flabby white ass, a nice ass is round and on a girl with a tight body, so stop posting pics of urself and posting them definitions like these
by sycop Sep 6, 2005

-- A medical term used to describe a female with a disproportionately large gluteus maximus region in relation to the rest of her body. Scientists have discovered that, in this condition, any food eaten by the afflicted turns immediately to fat then migrates rapidly to the gluteus maximus. Research has found that this ailment is widespread throughout many areas of North America and is oddly prevalent in African-American females. While there is no known cure, as long as there are males of the species and alcohol remains readily available, these females are still well-received in society.

White Guy: Hey Snoop...that Maltliqueisha has some serious Junk in the Trunk, huh?
Snoop: What tha hizzle did you say to me, cracka?
White Guy: has to be 4:20 somewhere...
Snoop: I thank I forgot sumpin' in ma car (ya know what I'm sayin')...I'll return in a minizzle.
White Guy: Word! PHOTO: Maltliqueisha------------------}
ghetto booty booty behind bum bottom by Illiterate Dec 28, 2005

-- Having a large ass.
Anita Ritchie
by COCK Nov 2, 2003

-- :a project chick that has a shapely ass and a small waist. a round jiggly ass.
You can tell Keisha has junk in the trunk by the way she's throwing dat ass from side to side.
by vinchap Feb 15, 2005

-- Adjective -- Describes a woman with a fair to good amount of ass. Generally caries a positive connotation.
I can't stand those anorexic girls, I need a girl with some junk in the trunk!
by MighMoS Dec 25, 2004

-- having a prodigious butt a little more than badonkadonk but less extreme than having an SUV in the pants
I don't mind a woman with a little meat on her bones, a little junk in her trunk.
by mandingoe Jun 1, 2004

junk in the trunk badonkadonk booty ass butt bbw plumper fat chick fatty remorse veet double d hogger curvy hoggy hoggers hogging veeter brabuster colt 45's jugs omega mu big tits fatty d cups knockers nail the whale muffin top fat bitched ddd ddd cups large breasted juggs e-cup big titty committee plump bra buster jugs of joy large naturals plumpa lumpa plumper pumper plumpette kahunas boingly-doinglies dd cushion for the pushin jugnormous blimpy over the shoulder boulder holder plumper humper plumped busty

The Grim Truth about Debt is that it is "The ISSUE" for 2008-12

Our OUTST+ANDING Outstanding Public Debt
The estimated population of the United States is 304,083,953
so each citizen's share of this debt is $30,890.88.

A child born in the USA owes over $30,890 today, May 31, 2008. How can this be possible?

That is [slavery ], indentured servitude, truly.

The National Debt has continued to increase an average of
$1.58 billion per day since September 28, 2007!
Concerned? Then tell Congress and the White House!

The Outstanding Public Debt as of 30 May 2008 at 04:09:17 PM GMT is:
$ 9 , 3 9 3 , 4 2 1 , 7 5 5 , 4 7 0 . 9 9

So what is Susan Sarandon pointing at?
February 16th, 2008 at 12:36 am
" Big lefty Susan Sarandon on PBS talking about switching her support to Barack Obama after John Edwards dropped out of the race.

"Well, I’m going to back Obama. But I hope — I think that he, as a symbol, has really excited people, and he’s definitely confusing to everyone who really hates America for hating Muslims because a name like Obama and a black man, they’re probably going to go 'Oh, wait a minute — What?'

"It’s kind of like when you’re out on the line for freedom to have an abortion and you’re incredibly pregnant. They just can’t quite figure it out."

"So I think he definitely has convinced people that he stands for change and for hope, and I can’t wait to see what he stands for..."


Frankly, I think she’s the one having a little trouble figuring things out. The money line has to be the last one. Let’s see if I understand. Obama stands for change and hope and Sarandon can’t wait to see what he stands for.


Dope." (From Rush via Newsbusters)"

Susan Sarandon Encourages Support For McCain There is perhaps, nothing more effective, for a political campaign, than an actor (genius thespian) saying; “If I don’t get my way then, I’m leaving the country and you’ll be sorry.” (

(Thanks to correspondences from and -- great work.)

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Rachel Ray is not a Muslim, nor a Jew


13th Annual Pig Roast & Golf Block Party -- 2008
Hosted by Rachel Ray [not now, nor ever has been a muslim]

Don't forget to bring canned goods for our food drive.
Freeadmission for every one with a canned food!!
-- or Canned Laughter --Entertainment Provided by:

Sigma Chi Deltoids non-Kosher Pickle Dippers

Monster Pig

Dolly Parton Impersonators

and this lady !!

Sunday, May 25, 2008

continuing to be Updated: thanks, dad

i will be sure to have my future dates fill in that thing that you wrote on my blog. lol

besides... what's so bad about waterbeds, piercings, and tattoos? i never thought any less of the things

I am happy you see the wisdom in the application. It includes all the fears we parents possess, that is why it is a bit 'over the top.' However, if you consider the pricelessness of you, then the effort is worth it!

Congratulations on being the best at everything you do! I know you will start wearing dresses some day. Loving hugs and kisses, Daddy.
ps. You will always be top of the heap, no matter how deep the madness !!

The word for May 28 is attention spam

A condition resulting in a failure to process basic facts or comprehend common knowledge, due largely to having a mind full of useless information.

Kali's numerous typos were a result of her suffering from attention spam.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

UPDATE: The Joy of Bodily Functions Pictorial: MooPig Joy of Life Department

CENSORED !! This pictorial got the Veto, banned in twelve of contiguous states... MooPig's First !!

Databases to try for journal articles....

Censorship (general):

Censored 2001: The Years Top 25 Censored Stories; DBW stack PN 4888.P6C46 2001. Read all about how the World Bank and multinational corporations are trying to privatize water, the truth about genetically altered foods that the media and the biotech industry don't want you to know, or how the drug companies influence doctors and health organizations to push medications. This work also features a look back at a quarter century of censored news.

Censored Books II: Critical Viewpoints, 1985-2000; DBW stack PS 65.C46C45 2002. Censored Books II presents beautifully reasoned arguments to support the teaching of a wide range of literature. Some books are thought to be taboo because of political incorrectness and others create concern because of violent or sexual content.

Philosopher's Index, Proquest (ABI/Inform Global), PAIS, Social Sciences Index and Web of Science

Censorship in films:
FIAF International Film Archive Database, International Film Archive (1972-current)
, International Index to the Performing Arts and Humanities Index

Censorship in Music:
International Index to the Performing Arts, International Index to Music Periodicals
(1996-current) and RILM - Abstracts of Music Literature

Censorship in Literature or the Press:
MLA, Project Muse.

Offending images removed... May 25, 2008

LATE EDITION UPDATE -- Elements of Partial Renumerations about Who's Who??

Have I ever wondered what it takes to be buckwheat, pork futures famous? Yes. But then I look at the faces of the developing Famous... and I see a pattern.

Does one really have to adapt oneself to this sociopath persona?


Do you ever feel like no one any where gives a shyte about you? Considering thousands of acquaintances, and friendly encounters; it doesn't add up to squat...

Since I have introduced this malleable subject, I will pose the following situation.

I got to Heaven, and St Peter says, "Did you sleep well?"

"No, I never slept well."

So Peter the Saint crunches some numbers... 365 x 72 = 26280 days x 24 = 630720 hours / 8.2 = 76917 hours

I"I have you down for plenty of hours of sleep," Says St Peter, "actually, you got more than the usual hours of sleep."

"That doesn't surprise me, Saint Sir," I reply in my most polite way.

Chorus: Like a rhinestone
[G] cowboy
Riding out on a horse
in a star spangled
rode [D] o
Rhinestone [G] cowboy
getting cards
and lettters from people
I don't even [D] know
Offers coming over the
phone.....[D] (Weiss)

Blog Archive

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Gary Grainger LIVE BluesShow from Auckland, 6 to 8PM LondonTime .... you listen too.


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A Fantastically Flawed Script for a Jazz Rock Opera -- "GAZA"

A Fantastically Flawed Script for a Jazz Rock Opera -- "GAZA"
GAZA by Pat Darnell for the Age of Attritionally Challenged

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