Moo Pig Wisdom is a brilliant combination of Antiquity and Prequel Modern Flea Market. We respectfully ask you to mind your children while here.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

A catholic case to Methodize: "No Tail Gating"

MooPig Research Department in keeping with promise to bring the best to its superlative readership;

Theology Thursday: Thou Shalt Not Tailgate vox clamatis 28.06.07

Behind the Zion Curtain, Yew-Tah, United States
"Last week, during my absence from the theological watchtower, the Vatican unveiled a new (and quite lengthy) document entitled "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road," which includes a sweet little "special 'decalogue'" (Ten Commandments) for those who drive.

Apparently the Vatican doesn't see much in the way of gridlock or road rage, as most urban drivers I've seen are about as likely to follow these commandments as they are the original ten Moses toted down off the mountain.


The commandments (which can be found a long way down in the document found here) are as follows (complete with my parenthetical and sometimes italicized editorial observations):

I. You shall not kill. (I think they stole this one, from the Big Boss, which means a whole lot more penance - or time in purgatory, which they should get anyway for the funny hats.)

II. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm. (This one made me giggle - I start thinking "communion between people" and a boom-chicka-wah-wah soundtrack should be running in the background to go with the mental pictures.)
III. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events. (Also, crystal balls, tarot cards, and a call to Miss Cleo.)

IV. Be charitable and help your neighbour in need, especially victims of accidents. (I actually like this one.)
V. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
VI. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so. (Teenieboppers and Fogies, attention, please: If you're too hopped up on E, hormones, fiber tablets, or Lunestra, the Pope would like you to leave your keys in the large punchbowl by the front door. Thanks a bunch.)

VII. Support the families of accident victims. (Broad word here, support. How exactly? Prayer, coins from the poor box, higher insurance rates, baked casseroles? A hug? Nice thought, but ... specificity can be a wonderful thing. That dude Jesus gave specific ideas [clothes off back, food from mouth, etc.]. You'd think he'd have taught his Vicar better.)
VIII. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. (Do we arm them as well? I'm getting visions of the Roman Catholic Thunderdome!)
IX. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party. (The one outside the vehicle first, the motorcyclist second, the Hummer and Popemobile last - do they really understand the implication here? Old Pope Benny already made it harder to choose a new Pope, do they really want to deal with the process all over again?) X. Feel responsible towards others. (Um. Duh. They cribbed this one too. Something about "Love your neighbor as yourself" comes to mind, but I've forgotten where I read it.)

As an alternative, I'd like to suggest a few rules of the road myself. I won't even call them Commandments, as technically the "Ten Commandments" aren't commandments - just good rules to live by. So, without further ado, I present:

Vox's Hints of the Road:
I. Thou Should Not Tailgate. Dick. I don't want you making grinding motions with your pelvis toward mine while we're in line in a public place, why should the fact we're in cars be any different?
II. Thou Should Not Share Your Music With Those Outside Your Vehicle.
III. Thou Should Signal.
IV. Thou Shalt, Upon Request, Show Us Your Boobs. Actually, I was just checking to see if you're still listening. Are you?

V. Thou Should Use An Appropriate Muffler. Noise production is inversely proportionate to actual genital size. Really. There have been studies or something.
VI. Thou Should Consider Whether Ten Feet of Undercarriage Clearance is Necessary for a Sedan, Mini-Truck, or Any Vehicle That Will Never Be Off Pavement.

VII. Thou Should Tailor Drive Times to Speed of Driving Comfort.
VIII. Thou Should Stay in the Right Lane, Slowpoke Rodriguez. Yeah, that goes for Arkansas drivers, too. Are the lanes reversed there or something?

IX. Thou Should Not Multi-task.

X. Thou Should Breathe and Count to Ten. Seriously. Think about it. Is it really that important? Sheesh. Put that finger away, I have a good guess where you keep it.

XI. Ignorance of the Hints of the Road Makes the Baby Jeebus Cry.

No comments:

Blog Archive

SUNDAY :: bishop FM 105.9 Auckland



[Go To SOURCE]

Gary Grainger LIVE BluesShow from Auckland, 6 to 8PM LondonTime .... you listen too.

DISCLAIMER

: It is PROHIBITED by law to use our service or the information it provides to make decisions about consumer credit, employment, insurance, tenant screening, or for any other purpose subject to the Fair Credit Reporting Act, 15 USC 1681 et seq. MooPig Wisdom does not provide consumer reports and is not a consumer reporting agency. The information available on our website may not be 100% accurate, complete, or up to date, so do not use this information as a substitute for your own due diligence, especially if you have concerns about a person’s criminal history. MooPig Wisdom does not make any representation or warranty about the accuracy of the information available through our website or about the character or integrity of the person about whom you inquire. So dip your balls in turpentine and get rid of your own fleas before calling me out.

Ask Someone Who Cares -- SUCH AS SUCH MULCH

To report any abusive, obscene, defamatory, racist,
homophobic or threatening comments, or anything that may violate any applicable laws, please click
--ask_someone_who cares -- ASWC to report with pertinent details.

Anyone posting such material will be immediately mesquitte blackened over a very hot pit fire down at C and J's BBQ on Harvey-Elmo-Weedon Road, and permanently removed from all servers, its IP
owner will be locked in a small room with back issues of
The ECONOMIST, and one scratchy re-mix 8-track tape of Steely Dan's first album...
IP addresses might be recorded to aid us in enforcing these conditions, that is if we cared.

A Fantastically Flawed Script for a Jazz Rock Opera -- "GAZA"

A Fantastically Flawed Script for a Jazz Rock Opera -- "GAZA"
GAZA by Pat Darnell for the Age of Attritionally Challenged

Email MooPigster Customers' Alert

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CywR3ouHKP4
If you receive this post via email, you notice it is mostly 'blank'.
We at MooPig Surmise, that at this point, one either says:
"WOW, I'm off the hook, and don't have to pay any attention to that pesky MooPig STUFF!!"
-- OR --
"Hey, where is it ...?"
The answer is: "IT IS A youTUBE presentation"... and you will now click on the http above to go see this modern miracle of technology.

MooPig Wisdom is Your Life-Line to Parody:
24\7 -- We accept all Calls from Contestants

MPW Unique Value Proposition, UVP
Shards of Evidence ... Opinion and Editorial ... We Blunderbuss indigestible Ersatz of Readers' and Writers' ... Explain Strategies of quasi-firms... and some not so quasi ... 110% Proof
One Only
Advertisement Only One
Publisher of Satire ... Enemy to Bombast ... Very Swank ... More Fun to Write than to Read

MooPig Wisdom is online to provide spring board for writers.
MooPig is the Writers' Writer that encourages voice, content, and style. PD

Bill Gaines said it

Bill Gaines said it
"My staff and contributors create the magazine," declared Gaines. "What I create is the atmosphere."